


when the stars are the only things we share

by zanetashadoe



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Lea is there but in the background, Letters, Missing Scene, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, kind of...more like missing character development, what if being a strong female character is less about fighting and more about having agency, what if kairi had nuance, what if kairi was allowed to have feelings other than happy and sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26401417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanetashadoe/pseuds/zanetashadoe
Summary: Sometimes it feels like the Keyblade is Kairi's last connection to Sora and Riku. Like if she can't reach them on their own terms, they'll be lost to her forever.---On Kairi's relationship with Sora, or lack thereof.
Relationships: Kairi & Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	when the stars are the only things we share

**Author's Note:**

> mostly just trying to give kairi's character the depth she deserves

It was lonely in the Secret Forest. Kairi was a natural born extrovert and she needed to interact with more than just two people for months on end. Sure, training kept her busy and it was nice to get to know Lea outside of the whole getting kidnapped thing, but still. She needed people. 

Her friends at school had always gently teased her for being a social butterfly, but she hadn’t realized how much she really was until it was all taken away. Even during her brief stay in Twilight Town she’d managed to befriend Hayner, Pence, Olette, and various other townsfolk. 

So, she wrote letters to all the people she knew. Her friends at school, her dad, her friends from the Island, some of her favorite teachers. It wasn’t like she could send them, so she could write to whoever she wanted to. Mostly she wrote to Sora, and sometimes Riku when she felt like she could put her more complex feelings into words.

Things had changed between the three of them. 

Growing up, the three of them had been inseparable. She had always known that before she arrived on the Island that Sora and Riku were a pair, the kind of bond that forms when your parents are friends with each other before they have kids. When she came, it was obvious that Riku was a little jealous of her, but they adjusted. They were best friends, all three of them.

But things change, as they are wont to do, and Riku preferred to go off on his own more often. He became a little meaner, and Kairi figured it was about him going to high school while she and Sora would be finishing middle school. It wasn’t a huge deal, and it wasn’t like Kairi didn’t have other friends, but it still hurt. She tried to bring it up with Sora, but he was so into the idea that he and Riku were rivals that they usually wound up talking about his feelings instead. 

She reminisced about her childhood a lot when she was training. It reminded her of how the boys took their play fighting so seriously. Kairi wondered if they had any idea what they were training for. Some days, she wasn’t sure why she was training either.

It seemed like Lea was just as lost as her. There was a lot going on with that one, and Kairi tried to offer reassurance where she could, but they had the same problem and she couldn’t offer any advice on that. It also didn’t help that he sometimes started crying after staring at her. She never blamed him for it, but it was certainly uncomfortable.

Lea kept trying to get Kairi to send her letters, but it just felt weird. Especially since more than half the people she wrote to weren’t supposed to know about what she was doing. She wondered if they could remember her right now, or if she were a fleeting thought like Sora once was to her. Floating just out of reach, but close enough to feel.

\---

_Dear Sora,_

_I hope you’re doing okay out there. It’s probably been no time at all where you are, but I can’t help imagining you off on another great adventure! You’ve never been one to do things by halves, after all._

_I’ve been training a lot here with Lea. He’s actually pretty nice once you get to know him. He’s still upset about the whole kidnapping thing, and while I’m over it, I might be letting him do some of my chores as penance! The Keyblade is pretty fun, though. I’m getting better at summoning it every day! I think in a few weeks, we’ll be able to start sparring! Lea’s a lot stronger than he looks, although you probably already knew that._

_Keep doing good work, Sora! We’re all cheering you on, so don’t give up! Your friends and I all have your back._

_Love,  
Kairi._

\---

Truthfully, Kairi felt completely alone for the first time in her life. She was studying an art she knew nothing about which was a huge change from school where she at least knew about the subjects she was studying. The one person she knew was such a mess of his own emotions that he was a terrible conversation partner, and Kairi wasn’t interested in playing therapist, kind nature be damned. And Merlin, well. That just wasn’t an option.

So she wrote to Sora when she wanted to pretend she was happy, and Riku when she felt okay with being sad. 

Things with Sora were definitely weirder than they were with Riku, despite the whole kidnapping her body thing. It seemed like a lot of her relationships with people involved her getting kidnapped. There was probably something Freudian about that, but she preferred not to dwell on that. 

Sora always had the tendency to care too much. She fondly remembered all the funerals he had for little dead crabs that washed up on the beach. He always swore he would find a way to go into the ocean and protect them. The problem was, he cared about so many people and so many different things that he often neglected what he had in front of him. 

They’d dated briefly in sixth grade. It was the kind of thing you did when you were in middle school. Everyone had to have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and they became an item out of societal necessity. Besides, everyone had always teased them about liking each other, and Kairi figured it was worth a shot. 

Neither of them were super invested, being eleven and all, but Sora was particularly bad at the whole boyfriend thing. He forgot about Valentine’s Day even though Kairi had begged her dad to let her buy one of those egregiously large chocolate hearts to give to him. He always forgot to email her back, and he’d sometimes leave her waiting for hours on dates because something else came up that caught his interest. 

It was all typical Sora, so she wasn’t super hurt by any of it. The few kisses they exchanged were lackluster and weren’t anything like the movies her dad sometimes watched said they would be. Years later she realized it was a “I don’t like boys” thing, but at the time it was the least of her worries. 

She let him down gently after having a cry with her girl friends who patted her on the back and baked her brownies. Sora had only asked if they were still friends, and after she answered yes he was back to his cheerful self. 

The memory of it made her smile as she worked on another letter. She tried not to be selfish in her Sora letters, just happy, encouraging. Push away all the bitterness at being left behind and replace it with things like “Keep on smiling!” and “I know you can do whatever you set your mind to!”. It just never seemed like he set his mind on her anymore.

\---

_Dear Sora,_

_Remember that month in sixth grade, when we started “dating”? Riku was so jealous even though he tried to pretend that he wasn’t. I never told you, but one time he asked if we kissed and when I said we did, he made the funniest face and said he’d left the oven on at home. I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember Riku ever using the oven, let alone cooking!_

_We’ve both finally got the whole Keyblade summoning thing down, and now we’re learning how to swing it. It reminds me of those summers on the beach when you and Riku would try to win as many sword fights as you could._

_I miss you. I know you’re doing good things out there, and you’ve got a great big smile on your face. There’s not a person out there that you can’t help, Sora. I just know it._

_Love,  
Kairi_

\---

Water dripped down onto the paper and she realized she was crying. Kairi wiped her eyes quickly, glancing around to make sure that neither of the other people living on the island were around to see her cry.

She felt awful for being angry at Sora. There was a guilt that gnawed inside of her, told her she was a bad person for feeling this way. She was supposed to be the nice one, the friendly one, the one that mediated fights between Sora and Riku. The princess waiting at home for her boys to fight the evil and come back to her, waiting with dinner on the table and a kiss on the cheek. 

That thought disgusted her, too. The whole reason she was here, learning to wield the Keyblade was so that she could fight alongside them. She knew she was meant to be a wielder, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to summon her Keyblade. But it felt like she was so far behind. Like she was still running behind them on the play island, trying to prove she was just as good as the boys. But she never won the races and she lost every sword fight they allowed her to partake in. It all felt so useless.

Kairi wondered what life would be like without Sora. Some things would be different, and some would be the same. She’d still have Selphie, Tidus, Wakka, and all her school friends. She’d lived a year not remembering him, after all. But she wondered if she would still feel so useless. 

There was a big battle coming up, and Kairi couldn’t kid herself into thinking that she’d actually be useful. That thought wasn’t self-deprecating, it was simply the fact of things. Sora and Riku had already been in so many fights, years training with their Keyblades that she’d have to make up in months. 

Of course, time didn’t exist here, but she’d rather die than stay in this world so long that she was on their level. It was still a struggle to even get her Keyblade to appear, let alone fight someone with it, even if that someone was Lea. Sure, he put up an excellent fight with his chakram but this was a whole different ball game. 

It all felt like too little too late. And now she was crying for real, her tears starting to make the page illegible. It wasn’t loud other than her sniffling, and she wished desperately that there was someone here for her to hold on to. She tore the ruined page out of her notebook, and started on another. Maybe it was time to write an honest letter. It’s not like he would ever see it anyway.

\---

_Dear Sora,_

_How are you? Do you ever think about me, the way I think about you? It feels like there’s nothing for me to do here other than think about when we were kids and how so much has changed since then. I mean, we’re still kids, aren’t we? Sora, you haven’t even gone to high school! I wish you could just leave all of this to the adults. I wish you would come home. I wish I could get off of this stupid planet and just go back to worrying about passing my algebra tests instead of wondering if you’re ever coming home again._

_...Remember right before everything happened, when we were building that raft? I wanted to leave Riku behind but we never got a chance to do that. I wish I hadn’t told you two where I was from. I could have just told you I was from the mainland. I should have been happy with what I had, instead of looking for something else. But I guess I can’t go back now._

_I keep writing these letters to you and calling you Sora, but I don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s like I’m writing to a ghost. There are all these questions I want to ask you, but I know I never will. I’ll see you again after you save the world and there’ll only be enough time for a hug before you’re off doing something crazy again. I want to be selfish, Sora. I want things to go back to normal. I want you to stay at home. I want you to think about how I feel for once._

_Why do you always choose everyone else over me?_

\---

Writing out how she really felt lifted some tension out of Kairi’s shoulders. She thought about the negative feelings less, and was able to focus more as she and Lea learned to spar. But the anger and frustration had melted into another feeling she tried to ignore: guilt. Kairi had long since shredded her mean letter - it was easier to call it mean rather than truthful - lest someone find it and judge her for her emotions.

It was a ridiculous excuse and she knew it. There were only two people here, neither one of them particularly interested in her personal feelings, much less judging her for them. But that didn’t stop the guilt from clawing at her ribcage. She didn’t have a real reason to be upset with Sora. It was selfish of her to think like that. He had risked his life over and over again to save hers.

That was just the thing though, wasn’t it? Sora risked his life for anyone and everyone. She’d seen him do it while she rested in his heart, on that first journey. When there’s a person in need, Sora drops everything to save them. It’s admirable, really. 

As much as Kairi hated to admit it, the times Sora saved her just felt cold. Impersonal. The way a firefighter saving a child’s life might change that child forever, but to the firefighter it’s just another day on the job. Fighting for others is just what Sora does. It never had anything to do with Kairi personally, and it stung.

This was an exaggeration of course. Kairi was very dear to Sora and she knew this. But knowing something logically doesn’t always mean the heart agrees. 

Maybe they just weren’t that close anymore. They were growing up, growing apart. Even the other kids from the play island started to drift apart once high school started. Things just weren’t the same, that’s a part of life.

Kairi felt guilty for doubting Sora, for being selfish, for putting her own feelings before the sake of the world Sora had gone off to save. Sometimes she felt guilty for wanting to build the raft. If she could just find a way to go back in time, pretend that coming from another world was just a silly story she told as a child to seem interesting. Would Riku still have tried to leave? Would Sora go off to stop him, just as before? Once again, it felt like Kairi just wasn’t part of the equation.

Sparring was a good way to keep the bad feelings at bay. It took a lot more concentration than learning the basic swings, and afterwards she was usually too tired to think about anything other than a hot shower and getting into bed. Even if it wasn’t what she wanted to spend her time doing, it was satisfying to exhaust herself so fully. It made her feel like she was actually doing something, like she could make a difference. 

Sometimes Lea would startle in the middle of training, his expression suddenly blank and Kairi would have to avoid hitting him in such a vulnerable state. Apparently she reminded him of someone he used to know. They both had people they were searching for, people they would never find. There was camaraderie in that. 

Kairi was never going to find the Sora and Riku from her memories. Those people didn’t exist anymore. 

Maybe they never did.

\---

_Dear Sora,_

_Do you ever think about when we were kids? Or are you always looking forward to the next big adventure?_

_Remember right before everything went crazy, when you and Riku were so obsessed with the paopu fruit? I wonder why we never shared one. I know you guys were fighting over me - well, Riku was just trying to get your attention, but none of us actually shared one. Maybe we thought that nothing could ever separate us. Bound together somehow by the love we shared for one another. I’m not sure if I believe in it anymore. But it couldn’t hurt to try, right?_

_I miss you._

\---

Kairi was the caretaker of the trio, right up until everything went wrong. Just being around them felt like enough, so if they wouldn’t let her join in on the races and play fighting she just had to find her own way to participate. That involved keeping the first aid kit full and learning to apply antibiotic ointment to cuts and scrapes before carefully placing a band-aid - not too loose and not too tight. Sometimes she’d wrap a sprain with ACE bandages, and if she was feeling playful she’d give a light kiss to the wound.

When Sora and Riku had a fight, Kairi was there to mediate. She’d listen to both sides fairly and convince them to talk things out. She patched up their wounds, and even learned to patch up their clothes when the playing got too rough. Kairi told herself she didn’t mind. And the boys let her play with them every once in a while, so it seemed worth it.

She and Riku protected Sora in their own ways. If Sora got bullied, Riku was the one who threatened the bully and Kairi was the one comforting Sora, patching him up and rubbing his back in soothing circles.

It was all so fucking domestic.

Sora had a rough time adjusting when he and Riku came back from the Realm of Darkness. Riku was always telling him that he had Sora’s back, that he wouldn’t have to fight alone. Kairi told him that everything was okay now, nothing could hurt him, they could all go back to normal like nothing had changed. 

But things had changed. Kairi changed. She wasn’t that vibrant young girl anymore, teasing the boys while nurturing them. Pieces of her were gone, pieces that weren’t coming back. Sometimes she’d remember the feeling when Lea first grabbed her, tried to steal her away. Or when he was successful, and she’d been stuck in a cell, surrounded by large men that talked loudly and stood as intimidatingly as possible. 

Sometimes she’d see a man at the store, or walking down the street, or eating in a booth near her and she’d just freeze. If she tried to stay as still and quiet as possible they wouldn’t find her. They wouldn’t be able to hurt her. 

Usually the feeling would pass, and she’d go back to whatever she was doing before seeing him, pretend that everything was fine. But sometimes she’d lock herself in her room, curl into the farthest corner of the room and just cry. 

There was no one she could tell this to. Not her normal friends who had no idea about the other worlds. Not her father, who would think she was crazy. And especially not her best friends, who had been through so much more than her. Their lives had been threatened so often, and she’d just sat cozy in a cell. How could she possibly push her troubles onto them?

So she kept her little episodes secret. It was hard to sleep at night, honestly. When she finally got to sleep, she’d have nightmares about her time in The World That Never Was. She would wake up in a cold sweat, and lay awake until the sunlight filtered in through the blinds. Sometimes there were tears, but mostly she just lay still. Maybe if she was just still enough, the thoughts wouldn’t find her. Wouldn’t hurt her.

\---

_Dear Sora,_

_I’ve been thinking a lot these past few months. About our friendship. About you. And maybe this is selfish to say, but sometimes I feel like you didn’t care about me at all while you were gallivanting about, saving the world. Riku wasn’t the only one hurting, I was hurting too. Did you ever think about that? Did it ever occur to you that maybe I wasn’t just having a normal time of it?_

_How do you think it feels to have been kidnapped so many times, being made to stay in a cell because of you, completely powerless to escape? If Namine hadn’t been there, what would have happened to me, Sora? Did you ever once wonder if I was hurting, too?_

_I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life worrying about you, coddling you, making sure you were okay, and you have never once done the same. When was the last time you asked how I was feeling, if I was okay, if I needed help. You only help people because it makes you feel good, Sora. You never care about what happens after you beat the bad guy._

_I spent so many nights lying awake, shaking, crying, terrified that I could get hurt again. And I get it Sora, I really do. You had some horrible experiences and I wish I could go back and fix everything, save you and Riku from ever getting hurt. I wish I could keep you two on the island and we could go back to the days when I didn’t have to think about things like this. But I can’t. And it feels like you don’t even want to. Sometimes it feels like this is all a fun game to you guys, playing hero._

_What if I don’t want to play hero with you? What if I just want to live a normal life? I hate being trapped on this stupid island when I should be back home cooking dinner and studying. I should be getting my first girlfriend, getting my heart broken and put back together, going to movies with friends and laughing like normal kids. I just want to be normal._

_But I’m here, because of you. I’m learning to be a fighter like you. I never wanted to do this, Sora. I just wanted to find my home. I don’t want to fight a war. That’s what you wanted. Because you could never meet me where I am, Sora. I have to go where you are if I want to have any kind of relationship with you._

_And I’m sick of it._

\---

There were only a few weeks left before Kairi and Lea would be ready for battle. It felt like years had passed since the training had been gone, but following regular time it had only been about 5 months. Of course when they left this world, they’d go back to the day they entered it. They would come out a little different, a little stronger, but wearier too. Likely a little stranger, having been alone for 6 months doing nothing but training and ruminating on the past.

Kairi felt so bitter about the whole thing, but she worked hard to get back into her usual cheerful demeanor. It would be jarring for Sora and the rest to see her the way she was now. It was harder to pretend that things were okay now that she’d acknowledged her feelings to herself. She had spent so long pushing her feelings away, as if hanging on to that old persona meant that no one had to change. 

Lea had called her out on the false cheer, but he understood what it was to put on a mask for the ones he cared about. They were similar in that way. Always cheerful, always joking, always shouldering the burden of being the one left behind. 

When it was time to leave, Kairi schooled her features into a smile. She talked excitedly on the Gummi Ship ride to Yen Sid’s, and by the time they arrived she had successfully slipped back on the mask. 

It was like no time had passed at all.

**Author's Note:**

> i just feel like kairi has a lot of trauma that never gets addressed in game or in fandom, and being alone for the first time not having to be the Good Friend allows her to actually unpack a lot of her feelings. also this poor girl is only 15 and shes been kidnapped, lost her homeland, lost her friends, lost her body....she's been through a lot. sorry i know i already wrote 4k words about this but like. kairi deserves better.


End file.
